Target: Jaania - Our Lure: Allure
by Dame March Dolcetto
Summary: In which an unexpected visitor gives the Hero even more unexpected advice. "You're me. From the future. And you think that I have to seduce Jaania. To save the world." (set in Book 3, Void Ship)


**written as a fill for df kink meme. Almost pure crack. This is _seriously_ silly. And the Hero (in here, Jennifer Flarien) suffers for it. As an example of what to expect, there is a talk about stabbing babies. Enjoy.**

 **Target: Jaania; Our Lure: Allure  
**

* * *

"You can't be serious."

I've done a lot over the years. I've _seen_ even more. You can't become a Hero to Falconreach without getting used to seeing about three metric-fucktons of weird-assery on a weekly basis.

But this? Yeah, somehow, this - this took the cake. Somehow, despite everything, despite sun-eating dragons, insane half-infernal warlocks, and _Cysero,_ this took the cake. All of it. And the crown. The crown cake of sheer, utter, unbelievability and, by the stars above, I wasn't ready for it.

My supposed future self only smiled at me, the expression vaguely amused, vaguely apologetic, and absolutely infuriating.

"I'm afraid I am, my dear," she said, sympathy in her eyes. "Deathly so, in point of fact."

For a few moments, I can only gape at her. "You _can't_ be serious, _"_ I repeat more than a little hysterically. "You just... you _cannot_ be serious!"

For the first in a very, very long time, I was just ... at a loss for what else to say.

"Well, I am," she said firmly. "If I were not, I wouldn't have traversed the timestreams to find you, my younger self, who might become me as I had been you. This may possibly be the only way to take down the Rose without risking pulling all of the continent into another war. Whether you like it or not - "

Oh, by the deities of Lore, she was going to say it -

"- You must seduce Jaania."

She's said it. Stars of Lore, she said it again.

I can only stare blankly up at her. The words 'you', 'seduce', and 'Jaania' just - just didn't compute, not when the 'you' was a variable for me. They just - they just _didn't!_

She seems to take pity on me, after five seconds of nothing but me gawking. "I know it must seem unbelievable - " and wasn't _that_ an understatement? - "But it's the truth. You've looked into my mind; I know that you know that I have spoken no lies."

"You could - you could just be _insane_ ," I rationalize. "Or just - just really deluded or - or - "

She only smiles. The more time I spend with her, the less I like the person I would supposedly grow to be. "I am no more insane than you are," she says gently. "Nor any more deluded."

"So pretty insane and very deluded, right."

She chuckles. "Perhaps," she admits. "But you must know that you, as Hero, would never stoop to such tactics as manipulation of the timestreams without there being a situation dire enough to call for it."

The sad part was... that was actually true.

"... okay," I give her that. "Fine. You're me. From the future. And you think that - that - " I can't help how my cheeks start burning as I try to say the word. " _Seducing_ Jaania is the best option for - for whatever it is you're doing."

"Saving the world," she pipes up and I can only stare.

"... saving the world," I echo weakly. "You're me. From the _future_. And you think that I have to _seduce Jaania_. To _save the world_."

She smiles, bright and encouraging. "Yes. As soon as possible, preferably."

"How."

She looks thoughtful for a moment. "Though it is a trifle obvious, she has a fondness for roses and other such flora, as well as a not-insignificant sweet tooth," she says as-a-matter-of-factly. "Candied flowers shouldn't be too far out of your current cooking ability and I believe candied rose petals would make for a suitable courting gift - "

"I wasn't talking about _that!_ "

My cheeks are burning hot and without meaning to, I'd leapt to my feet, knocking the crate I'd been using as a chair aside in the process. Trying desperately to get my emotions back in control, I return to my seat, returning the crate back to original position with a shaky swipe of Cryptic telekinesis, feeling hot all the way up to tips of my ears.

By the Avatars. When Tomix asked me to join his Void Ship crew thing, I did not expect this. I mean, yeah, _Hero's Guide to Hero-ing_ , expect the unexpected and all but, seriously... no... I just...

I just... I just can't, alright? I was still a bit drunk from that drinking contest with Vaal but I was nowhere _near_ drunk enough to handle this.

Unlike me, my future self - gods, but I still wasn't used to that - looked, for the most part unphased by my outburst, if a bit apologetic. "I'm sorry," she says, and she did sound sincere which, quite frankly, just made things feel even worse. "It wasn't my intention to rattle you so."

I snort but she didn't seem offended.

"I will admit," she continues. "Your current circumstances are far from ideal for this sort of revelation but you must know, I - _you -_ would never lie to you on these matters, not when my simply being here constitutes as a risk to timelines both yours and mine. I know I ask for much but... please believe me."

I exhale. Most of the heat's faded from my cheeks when I raise my head to regard her. I'm not sure if it was just her but it was surprisingly hard to meet her gaze. There was just... something unnerving about the green of her (our?) eyes. I did my best, though. No point in doing any less than that. "Fine... I suppose I can believe that much but..." the heat begins to rush back to my cheeks. "But how can you be sure that - that seducing Jaania will - will - "

"Lead to the world's salvation?" she offers.

"Yes!" I burst out, feeling embarrassment heat the skin about my neck. I've always been an easy blusher. "Why - why in the _world_ would you think that seducing Jaania could save the world?"

She straightens her posture, leaning back against the crates she was sitting on with as much poise as anyone could muster under such circumstances, smoothing her dark red skirt as she did. "Would I be correct in saying that Jaania has shown you her mirror, by this point in time?"

"She has, yeah," I say, just a bit begrudgingly, biting my lip at the memory. "She's... shown it to me."

"I have something similar," she says, gesturing at the book fixed precariously on some sort of pauldron affixed onto her shoulder. The gears on its cover seemed to spin and whir under the shadow of her hand. "This is the Grimoire of Time," she explains. "It allows me to perceive events within timelines both my own and not, as well as study the recorded past in its entirety. All information that has been heard, all data that has been written, one may access through the use of this device. At least," she adds, eyes sparkling with good humor. "If you are one of the blessed few given the ability to make use of it."

I'll admit, my curiosity was more than a little piqued. "How did you get it?" I have to ask. "Does it work _exactly_ like Jaania's mirror or...?"

"I received it, as is my due," she says simply. "I am an Archivist, a Time Walker. The Grimoire is a burden all Archivists are called to bear." Then, she bows her head. "And no, it does not. While her mirror allows her to see the entirety of timelines parallel to hers, the Grimoire allows me to see all information present in the Grand Archive as is present in my current point of time."

I blink. I'll admit, I've yet to hear of any of these in any real, meaningful sense. I could figure that Archivist was a class of some sort, given that her relatively prim-looking skirt-and-blouse combination wasn't exactly Cryptic standard, and I was somewhat sure I'd heard the term _Time Walker_ used in conjunction to those with powers over time, like Chronomancers and such, but the last one... "Grand Archive?"

"The Grand Archive is an archive of all information as recorded by the Grandmaster Archivist," she explains. "As you may well know, there are many deities present within our world. One of them is the Grandmaster Archivist, the Webweaver, the Knowledge Spider, the Maker of Nets. All words that have been spoken, she has since known through binding the breath that carries it within her webs. All the words that have been written, she has since recorded by trapping the light that had seen it within her nets. No knowledge may escape her grasp; so long as there is information to be sought, one can be assured that _she is there."_

I'll admit, that was somewhat unsettling. A giant spider that had access to all known information... "Does she have a name?"

She bows her head in reverence. "We call her Portia."

That... was less unsettling.

"As an Archivist myself," she continues. "I am allowed access to all information that she has since trapped within her nets, to the vast, interconnected network of webs in which the Grand Archive is recorded."

"So, you have access to the... internet?" I attempt.

She smiles once, sweet, serene, and somewhat insufferable, then bows. "It is a great and noble burden, being able to look into the world wide web."

My head hurt. And not just because of the alcohol. "Right," I manage, my voice sounding tired even to my own ears. "Internet. Great. How does this 'internet' tell you that - that - seducing Jaania's what's going to save the world?"

"It didn't," she admits but before I can start reacting in full (read: screaming), she continues. "However, given that it was only after I myself had seduced Jaania that the peaceful downfall of the extremist Rose truly began, I believe I am justified in saying that your own seduction of Jaania could very well substantially hasten the process of the radical Rose's downfall within your own timeline."

I can feel heat spreading to my ears again as I stare at my future counterpart. "Y-you've - _you've seduced Jaania?!"_

She smiles fondly. "We've been married for four years now," she says, pulling back one of her draping sleeves and pointing out one of the rings at her left hand, a delicate golden band with a glowing, orange rose as its centerpiece. "It's been an adventure, I must admit."

I gape. "You - you even _married_ Jaania?!"

She shrugs lightly. "I would think that that would be the natural course of events," she says mildly, pulling her sleeves back over her hands. "Old fashioned though they are, I do believe our parents had a point about this."

"B-but - " I sputter. "Why - _why would you try to seduce Jaania in the first place?!"_

Her expression turned sheepish for the first time since she'd crashed aboard the ship. "I - We... hadn't exactly intended for what had happened to happen," she confesses. "It all sort of just... worked out that way."

I can't quite stop myself from gaping. "How?" I ask weakly. "How do you _accidentally seduce people?!"_

"It... didn't exactly start as seduction," she tells me, idly scratching at the back of her head, knocking her red beret askew. "There were many formal events I was called to attend as a representative of Falconreach and, at first, it just so happened that Jaania was often invited as well. It was initially awkward, I will admit, but, after some time, we were able to get along relatively amiably once we'd gotten the chance to explain ourselves, even if we couldn't quite agree with each other's methods. Given that we would eventually have to band together against even greater foes during various points in our careers as defenders to Lore, I suppose a degree of amiability is necessary."

I was able to somehow manage to get my blushing under control during the whole of her narration and though I still felt a bit red around the neck, I wasn't close to - well, _screaming_ this time around. "You've had to ally with Jaania? Before you - before your... relationship thing?"

"As will you," she says, nodding. "There are threats to Lore that your factions cannot handle, not separately. She isn't quite so foolish as to reject aid from those who would fight to defend Lore, not when greater threats are on the horizon." She bows, eyes closed. "As Hero of Falconreach and 301st Knight to Alteon, I was considered a... safer go-between by both the pro-magic faction and the Rose at Swordhaven. As both a Hero with ties to magic and as Knight technically under the King's service, I suppose that only made sense. Though I - like you - considered myself allied to the pro-magic faction first and foremost, I've had to work both with and under Jaania many, many times for the sake of Lore's defense. It was a complicated position to hold, certainly, but it was also one that led to our being able to better understand each other. In time, we became friends, in our own way. Eventually..." Here, she smiled, soft and fond, the expression making the heat leap to my cheeks once more. "We became a bit more."

"H-how'd that happen?" I have to ask, my voice sounding timid to my own ears. I... I'll admit, I don't have a lot of experience on this stuff. I mean, Heroism isn't exactly a job that allows for a lot of spare time so I never really had the time to really - I'd never even considered I'd -

Lips pressed into a tight line, face hot and near-puce from both embarrassment and - and something else, I let out a groaned squeal from deep within my throat.

She shrugs. "I'm not at all sure, in all honesty. By that point in time, it was not uncommon for either of us to seek comfort from the other on a platonic capacity. She was often lonely, you see, from all burdens she'd had to bear since the beginning of everything, and it was not uncommon for her to feel isolated even from her own people due to the singularity of some of the experiences she'd had to endure. At some point, I suppose physicality entered the equation and everything simply... followed suit in the aftermath."

I let out a noise like a strangled yelp, neck burning hot. Physicality. What a word for it, I think weakly. What a _word_ for it...

She looks sympathetically at me as she reaches out to give my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Calm down now, dear," she says gently. "You're levitating away."

I was. I hadn't noticed but, apparently, I'd started floating backwards away from her in my - oh, I don't even _know_! I take a couple of deep breaths, wait for my blood to leave my cheeks, and force myself down onto the crate, both legs and arms crossed tight, unable to quite look her in the eye.

"I'd forgotten how pru - " I catch her eye. " - Innocent I used to be," she amends, looking almost amused. "What a different some ten, fifteen years can make. Well," she adds, looking at me, one brow raised. "Shall I continue?"

"Y-yeah..." I manage. _No,_ I actually wanted to say. "Sure..."

"In any case, after we'd officially become romantically attached - " By the gods of Lore, but the thought still made me squeak - "We became even more open with each other in regards to our shared experiences, both in battle and in our simple daily lives. Make no mistake, however," she says, eyes turning hard. "Whenever there was injustice or extremism or any sign of the Rose pushing beyond what I could accept to be had, I would still step in against it, affection for her aside. Though we loved each other, that did not stop either of us from fighting for what we believed in."

I stare at her. "How did that work out?" I had to ask. "What if - what if you hurt each other?"

"'All is fair in love and war'," she quotes, perhaps just a tad tiredly. "We did, in fact hurt each other, both on the battlefield and out of it, both in ways physical and emotional. I could never hold back when fighting for something I believed in," she adds, looking at me straight in the eye, gaze boring into mine. "You know that, you already _are_ like that. And she was the same. In any case, we had far too much respect for each as fighters for our respective causes to do each other the disservice of holding back."

"Our relationship was, perhaps, more complicated than was normal," she continues. "But no matter how hard or how often we'd had to face each other on the opposite sides of the battlefield, at the end of the day... we still loved each other. That was a fact no amount of bloodshed could ever make false."

I suppress the the urge to swallow. Her expression was... I don't know. It was hard to describe. It was serene but sad, somehow. Wistful. She looked beautiful in a way I only rarely saw in others. "Really now..."

"We've been married for longer than we've been enemies, at this point," she says, her tone light. "I'd say we've moved past the point of no return by now. Ah!" Her expression turned to one of realization. "I've meandered. In any case, what I've been trying to say is, we had a strong relationship. When conflict between our factions arose, we could never fight without first explaining our reasons. Perhaps due to our shared experiences, we were better-suited for letting the other understand our reasons for fighting more than any other. In fact, you could say that we were best-suited for letting the other understand our side."

"But - " I really couldn't help myself here. "What about the slavery? The extermination?! _How in the world could_ ** _anything_** _make that understandable?!"_

" _Nothing_ could make _any_ of that _understandable,_ " she bursts out vehemently, rage flashing in her eyes. "Nothing in the world could make me - make _you -_ condone such brutality. But," she then sighs, some of the fire going out of her eyes. "That - that was never Jaania, not - not completely. I'd always known it couldn't be her, not completely."

I stare at her. "What do you even mean...?"

"She's misinformed and kept out of the loop on the more extreme acts of her faction, to the point that, in some respects, she's a mere figurehead in comparison to Akanthus. In time, I was able to convince her to see that. In some ways, it was actually... surprisingly simple." Here, she frowns. "Funny, how she'd never thought of doing spot checks before I'd suggested them. I would've thought those obvious to anyone starting any sort of organization..." her voice trails off as she sees me and, in a refreshing twist, is the one to go red with embarrassment. "Ah, in any case, with her help, I was able to - _we_ were able to depower and destabilize some of the more extreme parts of her faction. Pruned away the thorns, as it were. The Rose became divided after but now, for the most part, the faction she leads is a force for good in every sense of the word, an agency for magic policing instead magic extermination."

I raised a brow at this. "Magic policing?"

"You have to admit, she does have some points in her arguments against magic," she points out. "Certainly, ending magic altogether may be extreme in the... extremes," Here, despite herself, she cracks a tiny grin. "But you have to admit, it would be in everyone's best interests if there were agencies overseeing its use. Do you remember that baby who would cause lightning strikes whenever he sneezed?" she asks, looking at me questioningly.

I nod. It was hard to forget a baby like that, especially not after how desperately his parents had begged me to find help for him. The baby had fairy blood and a lot of latent magical power but didn't have the capacity to control it. He'd caused some serious chaos before I'd been able to find an energy mage to help him with his incontinence problems (and I do mean both senses of the word).

He was cute though.

"Imagine if, instead of having to traverse the length of Greenguard in order to find someone both able and willing to aid them with their problems, all his parents had to do was visit an organization, one with branches spread all throughout the continent, and after, be able to wait with their baby in the confines of a room that would painlessly drain the occupant's mana up until such time that a more permanent solution can be found. Would that not be a more ideal solution?"

"We... we managed!" I protest, albeit weakly. It was true, what she did say did sound a lot more appealing...

She looks at me flatly. "We had to convince his parents to let us _stab_ their baby. _Repeatedly_. Certainly, a rogue's Mind Numb can do no lasting physical harm but for the _parents_ , imagine, they were forced to let a stranger _stab their baby_ simply because we could think of no other way to drain the baby's mana until the energy mage arrived. It's been years since then but I can still remember the father _fainting_ after the first stab. And because the baby had an abnormally large manapool, we had to do it _twelve times._ We even had to call on other passing adventurers to aid us and, in doing so, forced his parents to watch as a veritable army of Greenguard's heroes _stabbed their baby._ I know the Rose of your time is a vicious, thorned monstrosity in dire need of some severe pruning but you have to see that we can't just go back to how things used to be, not if we want to live our lives without ever having to _stab innocent babies_ for the sake of the greater good again!"

"Think on it. An organization always ready to assist in case of magical accidents, one prepared to aid in evacuation efforts whenever the need arises, one ready to battle against magical creatures whenever the next overlord sorcerer rises, one standing guard by our precious magical artifacts. _That_ is what the Rose of my time has become. It's not perfect, nothing is, but it is a well-intentioned organization that acts upon those intentions with both restraint and understanding. If you need convincing, know this; Kara's faction now works hand-in-hand with the new Rose both to assist it in its efforts and to ensure that no part, no _portion_ , of the new Rose can ever attain the zealotry Akanthus' militants had promoted. And all of it happened after _I seduced Jaania._ "

That was the first time I'd seen her so worked up. She was actually standing now as she looked at me, leaning over the crate we used as a table so that we could see each other eye to eye, her face now red after her impassioned speech. I had to swallow as I leaned back, not quite able to bear the look in her eyes.

"Saving the world," I say. "You - you said something about having to - to seduce Jaania to save the world. What you said, that's - that's great and all but that's not exactly saving the world. What did you mean by that?"

She settles back onto her crate, still breathing hard from her earlier exertions. "Akanthus didn't exactly fall without a fight," she says carefully. "Though we did ensure that his faction was no longer part of the Rose, his faction remained strong despite our best efforts. I hear they call themselves the 'Thorns' now. They've spread rumors about my having brainwashed Jaania during the course of our relationship, rumors not helped by the fact that we do indeed have some power over the mind," she says, nodding towards me, still garbed in the uniform of a Cryptic, making me feel just a tad self-conscious. "We've done our best to stop them but they're no weaklings. And Akanthus has only grown more desperate over time. From what our spies have told us, they're about to do something drastic."

Her expression made fear run cold down my spine. I remembered seeing that same look on my face the evening after Sepulchure had revealed the rest of his army at the Final 13th. Rage, anxiety, and horror given face. "What is it?"

Her expression turned cold. "There was... an event," she says carefully, coolly. "That the Rose had planned in the beginning, when the extermination of magic was still their goal. We've taken to calling it the sealing." She looks to me, eyes alight with inquiry. "You know of Verix, Horix, and the heart of Lore, yes?"

I nod.

"The sealing is what it is: a sealing. It's a ritual intended to block away the leylines of Lore, close off even the Verix and Horix in order to destroy our connection to Lore's very heart. Theoretically speaking, doing so would destroy the ability of mages everywhere to draw upon magic, to case even the simplest spells. Though the idea has since been scrapped by the new Rose, according to our spies, to our scryers, Akanthus has known of how to commit a sealing since the beginning. If the reports are correct, he was even the one to commission its development in the first place."

I swallow. "What will happen if he manages it?"

She shakes her head. "We would not survive a sealing," she says very deliberately. "Jaania and I've both studied timelines in which sealings have occurred. Not once has any sealing resulted in a world that could, in any way, be considered at peace."

"What happens?"

She shrugs. Though the gesture was careless, I could recognize the expression on her face and felt fear run cold down my spine once more. "Magic is Lore's blood and the core is its heart. Just like how one cannot extinguish a body of blood without killing the person, you cannot extinguish magic from Lore without destroying the planet. What happens is Doom. Armageddon. Ragnarok. The Apocalypse," she states, her tone blithe and her eyes bitter. "You get the gist, I presume?"

"Yeah," I whisper but she doesn't seem to notice.

"All of this might've never happened if I'd been able to get to her sooner if - " she swallows, eyes bitter. "If I'd been able to destabilize the old Rose before Akanthus' faction had gotten strong enough to complete a sealing without any real support, we might've never had to worry about a sealing." Then, eyes at the sky, she takes a deep breath and lets it all out. "If you are able to get Jaania onto your side sooner, convince her of the extremism and corruption she has been, for now, been made blind to, you may be able to prevent Akanthus from being able to acquire enough power to go through with the sealing without Jaania's support - may be able to, in fact, cut down his faction before they can ever become strong enough to even consider it. In my present, your possible future, we've already begun hunting him down best we can but, with any luck, with this excursion, you won't ever have to worry about his performing a sealing. Whatever happens within this timeline, it will depend on your being able to get Jaania to trust you." Eyes bright, expression gentle, she leans over to place her hands on my shoulders. "I recommend seduction."

Despite everything, despite all that I'd learned and all that she'd told me, the words still made heat rush up to my cheeks, still made me release the smallest, most pathetic squeak. "Does it... do I really have to seduce Jaania?" I ask weakly.

She backs away. "'Seduce' as in 'to lead astray from former beliefs by way of persuasion'," she says, expression shifting back to its former vague amusement. Her words calmed me, somewhat, enough that the heat left my cheeks and I could finally release a long pent-up sigh. "Though I will admit, it became much easier to get her to trust me after we had sex."

I sputter, face, neck, ears, shoulders - pretty much all of me burned red. "I - " I squeak. "I-I don't think I'm her - her type." My excuse sounded weak even to my own ears. They probably sounded even weaker to my future self's ears.

"Oh, come now, dear." She's frowning now, looking disapproving. "She's not so superficial that she would judge a person solely by their appearance," she says reprovingly. "She's a good person. Stubborn. Proud. Hopelessly idealistic at times and often complacent in her belief in herself to the point of arrogance but, in the end, a good woman who does genuinely want to help. She would approve of any good person as her partner."

Then she cracks a grin. "Though I suppose being pretty does help," she says, preening herself just a bit as she straightened her cravat.

I... don't even know how anyone's supposed to respond to that. I mean, I could be hard on myself from time to time but, I mean, I knew I wasn't bad-looking, not by any means, and I did understand, objectively, that I could be considered pretty but - I don't know, I guess I never thought about it.

Judging by the look her face, my response was unacceptable. "Jenny," she says, looking almost offended. "You're a pretty girl who will only grow - " she gestures to herself - "Even prettier. I'm sure everyone will agree on that, I -"

Her expression suddenly brightens. "Oh, Tomix!" she calls out, cheerful. "This younger Jenny is very attractive, isn't she?"

I hadn't realized that he was awake and out on deck. I turned to follow her gaze. Tomix, who looked like he'd been on his way to the bathroom (or head, I guess) froze at the sight of us, at me flustered and redfaced and at her, grinning and nodding as she gestured in my direction. After a few moments of him doing nothing but stand, stare and quietly wonder about the state of the world, he closed his eyes, smashed an incorporeal hand right through his face so that his stump was grinding against the skin of his forehead, then walked slowly and quietly backwards back to the sleeping quarters.

She looks vaguely upset. "That was impolite," she remarks, looking a touch put-out. "Had I said something inappropriate?"

... I was very tempted to follow his lead.

"In any case," she sighs, standing as she dusts off her skirt, looking around at the Void around us with some wistfulness in her eyes. "I suppose my task is done now. Though our time was short, it was a pleasure to know you." Her mouth quirks up into something like a smile. "Me."

I smile back, albeit a tad reluctantly. "Right back at you." _Not really._ "So, what now? How are you going to go back?"

"The spell we used is set to bring me back after my Grimoire has judged that I have relayed all pertinent facts," she explains. "After I'd finished telling you of Akanthus, I could sense the Grimoire telling me that I've almost completed my task. Now - " she taps at the book on her shoulder; I hadn't noticed earlier but its gears pulsing with a faint blue light. "I should be sent back any second now." She grins. "I'd hope no evil overlord's come in and taken over while I was out," she jokes.

I chuckle, despite myself. "Yeah, watch out. Sepulchure's probably attacking as we speak."

"Oh, that's not going to happen," she snickers. "I have also married Sepulchure."

...

...

(In the back of my mind, I register something shattering)

 _"WHAT?!"_

(I wonder what was it that broke)

My scream was so loud, I swore I set off shockwaves of sound reverberating all throughout the Void. In the back of my mind, I can feel my dragon wake up with a squawk as he registers my distress, feel a mix of concern and annoyance rush through me as he himself felt those emotions at my awakening him. In another corner of my mind, I can sense Aegis snap to a start as he, too, sensed my violent outburst of emotion.

However, the only thing at the forefront of my mind, at this moment, is a single, beautiful word:

 _"WHAT!?"_

(I think I know what it is now. It's my sanity.)

She nods emphatically. "It's true," she assures me, pulling back her sleeves and, once again revealing the rings on her hands. "I have married Jaania, Sepulchure, Secundus, Drakath, Nivalis - "

In a show of incredible eloquence, I repeat myself, " _WHAT?!"_

(I can feel it shattering. I think the last of it's been pulverized now)

She opens her mouth to reply when the book at her shoulder suddenly snaps open, magic exploding out of the pages and swirling around her in a cyclone of glittering magical energy strong enough to send crates, boxes, and barrels flying around the ship. I materialize chains of lilac Cryptic magic and bolt myself to the ground but, even then, the force of the magical whirlwind is strong enough that I have to focus to keep myself from getting swept away, the effort enough to make my eyes water from the strain (though the act of doing so, at least, serves well as a distraction from the newest marital revelation).

Before the magic could fully envelop her, she steps forward to give me a hug. "I wish you the best of luck, dear," she whispers. "The path before you is one of many struggles but I know you will prevail."

Despite myself, I snort, even as I return the hug, keeping myself bolted down even as I squeezed her tight. I long to ask about - about all of her _other_ apparent spouses but, instead, I only say "Of course," my words half a grumble. "Because your path is just peachy."

She's grinning as she pulls back, apologetic and sympathetic. "Believe me, dear, things actually could be worse. You should've seen the one with the whipped cream."

I blink. "What?"

She pats me on the head. "You'll understand, someday. You'd be horrified but you'd understand."

Do I want to know?

No. No I don't.

Then, her grin wide and her eyes bright, she slapped me on the back and gave me a thumbs up, swirls of magic beginning to overtake the whole of her body so that her face was the only thing unobscured by the spell's power.

"I believe in you. Go get 'er, tiger."

Then the magic enveloped her in a swirl of power like nothing I'd ever seen before, like heat and cold and blood and fire made material in a gale so strong it was all but solid and I have to close my eyes but still, I can see her figure outlined against the harsh blue light until my vision goes white, even behind my eyelids, even behind the hands I'd thrown over my eyes, and all I can hear is a sound like screaming and wind and fire and burning and -

She is gone by the time I regain my senses.

* * *

 **AN: *looks at hands* ... self-indulgence is a sin. I probably should've done my homework. Instead I forced Jenny to have to go through another one of her possible future selves. (the last time was Whipped Cream. I might repost it sometime). I don't even like Jaania all that much. Welp, I hope someone liked this, stabbed babies and all. Feedback's deeply appreciated.**


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